


Eudice Eusyram 2: The Tacky Sequel

by I_Smell_Rates



Series: Eudice Eusyram [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Mary Sue, Multi, Parody, Time Travel, Written Pre-Half Blood Prince
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-04-25
Updated: 2005-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:08:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26429167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Smell_Rates/pseuds/I_Smell_Rates
Summary: Eudice Eusyram, everyone's (least) favorite Mary Sue, returns to fight Dolores Umbridge in the worst sequel ever!Originally posted on FictionAlley in 2005.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Ron Weasley, Harry Potter/Original Female Character(s), Hermione Granger/Ginny Weasley, Luna Lovegood/Harry Potter
Series: Eudice Eusyram [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1922371





	Eudice Eusyram 2: The Tacky Sequel

Dolores Umbridge wanted to take over Hogwarts because she was a mean old hag. However, she couldn't do it while Eudice Eusyram, who was perfect, was around. Eudice was an incredibly gorgeous woman, who was American and a genius when it came it everything. She also happened to be part veela, an Animagus and a Metamorphmagus. Since her Animagi form was that of a Kelpie, it meant she could turn into almost anything. She had also been Remus Lupin's girlfriend when they were at Hogwarts and had written the Marauder's Map, but let Lupin and his friends take credit for it because she was so generous and humble.

Umbridge decided to rescue Snape from Mexico so there would be a plot. She knew she was no match for Eudice, so she decided to use Snape because he was evil and she was a mean old hag.

"I want you to use this Time-Turner to go back in time and make it so Eusyram was never born," Umbridge told him. Snape didn't want to because Eudice was secretly his sister and that would make it so _he_ would never have been born.

"Couldn't I just go back to when she was at Hogwarts and kill her then?" Snape asked, trying to swat an incredibly gorgeous fly.

"Whatever," replied Umbridge, "I just want her dead!"

"Okay," said Snape and they both walked. However, the incredibly gorgeous fly turned into Eudice Eusyram the second they left! Eudice vanished only to reappear in her office (she could Apparate on Hogwarts grounds) where Harry, Ron and Hermione were.

"Snape and Umbridge want to destroy my past self," Eudice explained. "To stop them, I'll send Harry back in time. I chose Harry because if he meets his parents when they were the same age as him, it could be very interesting."

"Okay," Harry agreed. "How will I get there?"

"Here," Eudice said, "I have my own Time-Turner you can use. I made it myself, because I actually _invented_ the Time-Turner!"

Harry took the Time-Turner and disappeared. Suddenly, Draco Malfoy and Ginny Weasley walked in the door. Because she was now evil, Ginny had gone gothic and was dressed entirely in leather (this includes her underwear!) Ron turned to look at them in shock.

"What are you two doing?" he asked them.

"Ginny isn't right for me, so I've decided to go with you instead," Draco said happily. "You see, I'm actually gay! I've always had a crush on you."

"Surely you can't be serious!" Ron said in shock.

"I _am_ ," Draco told him, "And don't call me 'Shirley.'"

"After you've hated me so much, how can you saw you had a crush on me?" Ron asked Draco desperately.

"Because I found out that you are actually very mean, but you just hides it whenever Potter's around, because you like people to think you're his friend," Draco answered.

Ron had always secretly had a crush on Draco anyway and they decided to go away to be intimate. Ginny started to cry.

"He said he loved me and he had sex with me!" Ginny sobbed. "I feel like nothing matters anymore!"

"That's okay, Ginny," Hermione said. "I'm actually a lesbian! You can get together with me."

"Okay!" Ginny said happily. She and Hermione ran off to get into bed with each other.

  


Meanwhile, Harry landed in the past. He walked into the Gryffindor common room where "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" by Rod Stewart was playing on the radio because it was in the Seventies. Harry saw his father, his mother, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Eudice Eusyram, who were all attractive and bright. Wormtail, on the other hand, was ugly and sulking around in a corner like a rat (probably because he _was_ a rat.)

Both Harry and his father screamed when they saw each other.

"What I see is _me_!" James Potter said in shock.

"I see me, too!" said Harry. Harry then explained everything, which took a long time.

"You shouldn't believe him," Wormtail said, "He might be lying."

"Even though Wormtail is a slimy git, he's our friend," Lupin said. "We should listen to him."

"No, Harry's story makes sense," said Eudice. "Besides, Wormtail's probably going to betray you one of these days anyway."

This was when the present-day Snape arrived. He walked in and stopped dead.

"Potter!" he said loudly.

"What?" asked James and Harry in perfect unison. Snape looked at them for a moment.

"I'm going to kill you, Potters!" he said, but then Eudice attacked him. Snape accidentally did a spell that made all her clothes come off, but she acted like she didn't notice. Harry ogled at her--she was just as incredibly gorgeous as a teenager as she was as an adult.

Eventually, she kicked Snape in the groin and sent him falling out the window, where he fell in the lake. She stood still, still looking perfect with her incredibly gorgeous body on display. She was so incredibly gorgeous that Harry couldn't control himself and he took her up into his father's dormitory to have sex with her. After he was done, he decided to go back to the present.

However, he had accidentally made Eudice pregnant and, when he got back to the present, he discovered she now had a daughter named Eurydice. Harry was really embarrassed about this, but Eudice told him it was all right and he decided to go on a date with Luna Lovegood.

"I've always felt bad about my mother dying," Luna said. "I suppose for you it must be twice as hard."

Suddenly, Luna got so upset she started to cry and Harry held her in his arms and decided to have sex with her. Eudice walked in right in the middle of it, which was very embarrassing.

"Eurydice has been kidnapped by Dolores Umbidge!" she said. "We've got to go to Umbridge's secret castle and rescue them."

The three of them went there. Eudice knew how to find it because she was a genius when it came to everything. Once they got there, they saw Umbridge was going to perform the Killing Curse on Eurydice Eusyram because she was a mean old hag and poor Eurydice was as perfect and incredibly gorgeous as her mother. Umbridge was surrounded by five thousand, two hundred and sixty-five Ministry guards.

"Get away from her!" Eudice said, pointing her wand at Umbridge.

"I am senior undersecretary to the Minister!" Umbridge said. "Don't think you can mess with me!"

However, Eudice beat up all the guards in three seconds and then turned Umbridge into a toad. Eudice picked her up and tossed the ugliest toad in the world down the wall of the castle, where a snake, who was actually Brittany Spears in her Animagi form, ate it.

"There, that takes care of her!" Eudice said happily. Harry decided to marry Eurydice, because she was perfect. They had sex and lived happily ever after until the next sequel came out.


End file.
